What happened with me and the church?

Mark Stewart commented on my post titled "My Faith - now" from the 7th, November the following:

" I have read this over and over and still do not understand what you mean by "but somehow I'm not able to get past the emotional hurdle of the Faith having been hugely discredited in me by my former church." "

I have in quite a number of conversations now been asked the question, "Ivan, what happened with you and the church?" Its a question I have only succeeded in answering somewhat with few people as it takes me ages and concentration, that I never have in public places, to answer. I need to formulate a coherent answer to it sometime, so here's a draft which is also a reply to Mark Stewart's comment:

Its quite unchartered area for me to describe as a large part of my issues with this specific church still remain unconscious and emotional. But to venture into it, I think it a very central factor how my faith was largely dependent on my social surroundings (as stated in the original post.) To this effect my faith dwindled when the social climate changed to my disadvantage - coupled and tripled with numerous other areas in which the church did not address the issues that I was struggling with, and when some of the issues did surface they were badly handled.

This is turning out very vague, isn't it? I think what I'm trying to say is that there was a lack of depth, or I just didn't encounter it. I was too busy leading worship and facilitating the youth to delve into both the spiritual realm and myself or to equip myself (or let myself be equipped) to handle life in- and outside the church. I guess you could say that my connection to God and myself wasn't maintained, wherefore I ran out of fuel. I neither knew who I was or who God was but instead I spent my time being distracted with moods (also in worship) and battling superficial sins.

In addition to this (or is it in relation to it?) I found myself stuck in a role in my relations to the youth group, in that I was always the irresponsible, late-coming, flirting guy you could safely get a laugh out of with a clever variatino of a "who're-you-flirting-with-now"-joke. And since I am no good for radical, life-changing spurts of personal growth, breaking out of this role was next to impossible - short of taking hour-long heart to heart talks with everyone there.

I also lacked rolemodels or a mentor. Questions about faith, love, application of faith, morality and ethics, theology, philosophy and mysticism (and the question of why there was never any victory in my heart, no swords and shields to brandish) were building up and I had no-one to turn to and no energy to read litterature about it. It seemed that all the sermons that I did hear (usually because I was leading worship in that service) had nothing to tell me about the abovementioned subjects and all the people around me hid their thoughts about it behind a thick coating of slightly varying adapted social etiquette. I don't remember having eye contact with anyone, much less did I spill my heart to anyone. All my input on existentialistic issues came from my school and my classmates - and you do (to an extent) believe what you hear!

So, based on the abovementioned, with reservations as I am not yet aware of all the factors that have come into play within me, I left into the 'real world' on my own with not much else than 2 friends and a family - not that that isn't much; they counted for a lot and still do!

Now, I am aware that the abovementioned bears alarming resemblance to the picture of a self-pitying, youthfully narcissistic ball of snot but I am painfully aware of many things I could and should have done differently to maintain myself on top of my activities and my responsibilities. I hope this is taken rather as an example of what can go wrong for people like me so that someone else might benefit from any increased perspective and understanding a reader has hopefully gleaned from my story.

In this way, I work on not hating (to ANY degree) the institution that is this church or anyone who attend it - I just don't go there because I still have a very bitter taste in me when I do go.

worrying about the aftermath

In the aftermath of a battle, wherein one had to contend with not victory but an overall defeat, it is hard to know what to do with oneself. The time, until the next occasion for battle, seems unchallengably long, and so you find yourself warring your own defeated spirits until you decide to move on. This is my decision to move on. Nonetheless, the feelings do not evaporate instantly.

Nonsense! I will forget the defeat and wait upon my salvation which is expected within a couple of months. Until then, defeatism prevails in my inner man.

music is for me and I am for music - go, power ranger

Behold! [Trumpets] I have decided (yet another decision, yeah, and the trumpets are outta tune too - nonetheless, give me a chance!) I have decided that I wanna be a music guy. (Thank you, Mayer) I wanna be about (with certain reservations) guitars, sounds, jazz players, riffs, modulations, music as a tool, me as a tool, tools in general (sidetracked already!) uhh.. yeah, strings, singing techniques, singers, genres, songwriters, lyrics, concerts etc etc etc...! But wait, there's more
! (Its late (again) and I should be in bed (again))

I'll calm down now.. [smile] The thing is, I was talking to a friend the other day who got all worked up about imagining my future - a good one at that - but it freaked me out! I felt really old already and I realised that if I wanted to go anywhere serious, I'd have to strap on 'em boots and get on the field. I'm hyped about being proactive, a go-getter who sets his mind on something and runs like a bat outta hell.. -would fly, but the imagery's clear enuff.

Couple the abovementioned factor with my job at Café Borgen (which is going rather well, thank you for asking) where I'm (sorta) in charge and in control, ergo my being in charge of myself, and you'll be getting near what I am thinking now:

I wanna go the places I wanna go!

I was reading a book where the first chapter was all about how many people 'got stuck' in, par example, mediocre jobs with possibility for promotions but nothing in sight. Many times this is not due to lack of skill or ability but rather lack of drive, vision and overview. Don't you have to establish where you are, where you want to go and then go there? (rhetorical questions are cheap, yes) -Whereas many of us contend with where we are (whereever that is) and only make a dull move when its getting to be that time where people around us start to ask why we aren't pursuing an education or a trade (or woteva).

I just wanna be proactive and explore how far I can actually go (and prove to one or two that I can actually go friggin-far-farther-by-far than they'd thought of me!) [angry-fella-face]

So for now I've set my sights on guitar/singing/music and I'm gonna start being proactive about surrounding myself with sources of inspiration and spending my money on relevant stuff.. :)

nuked, frozen, flambé-pizza

Today I was heating a frozen pizza in an industrial microwave oven in a youth club, when the oven started burning. Imagine running into a kitchen where you can't see a thing for the dense smoke except .5m flames licking out of the top of this oven.. I just stared at it for half a sec the grabbed what was nearby (tea towels), soaked them and threw them over. The other guy who was there found a fire extinguisher and we put it out - with blue powder from the extinguisher. After crawling out by the floor cos of the smoke, we had to clean the ENTIRE kitchen by washing EVERYTHING in there.. took 3 hours! pft - we should've ordered out!

Conviction plz

I think what I need is conviction. One will not value any salvation or saving if you don't reckon you need to be saved. Another point I need to be clear on is that the point of Jesus' sacrifice was not to give me a nice life or improve my everyday financially. There it is.

My Faith - now

Guess I'm back at the stage where I don't really know if I believe in God as much as I 'hope in God.' The sad fact is that I'm more expecting a social instance, that'll encourage me to believe in God, to get me believing more than I'm expecting 'it' to 'spring up from within'. Sad, yes, but I am very much dependant on the people around me - more than I'd like to readily admit. As is now, I still don't have anyone who does that for me but somehow I'm not able to get past the emotional hurdle of the Faith having been hugely discredited in me by my former church.

bvadr - nothing constructive

My brother moved to Århus (nearby University-city, 2nd largest in Denmark) AND TOOK HIS COMPUTER WITH HIM.. sigh, yes so I'm without a comp now which is why I'm neglecting this blog.

I'm semi-depressed though - a week ago I got a job in Århus and yesterday I was fired.. well, it was a trial-week, so its not a huge blog, just depressing.. So now I'm back to no-job, no-activities, no-friends but now with added no-computer to console myself with.

And there's this girl... but I won't go into it. :)

Sooo... i dunno!

Cliché #1

How many of you despise clichés? I did, in a desperate attempt to establish my own identity but can something become a cliché if it doesn't contain some degree of 'truth' or element that people can relate to - therefore, honour clichés! :)

That was just to legitimize the cliché, "feeling brokenhearted." I feel brokenhearted. Something is gone, something is missing. Something is not there..

"What is this thing called love?"

When I was in Youth With a Mission in Perth, there lived a Canadian family under me. The father was a cheerful and sturdy mechanic with half a thumb missing who played guitar and sang a bit. The chorus of his favourite song went, "What is this thing called love / I know I've found it / It's in your eyes." This line has stuck with me for a long time, as long as I have wondered, what is this thing called love?

1. Corinthians 13 verses 4-8 seem promising when adressing the issue, in that it opens, "Love is..." promising a definition. Instead we are only given a description,

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."

So, for long I was frustrated with this 'answer' and, actually, disappointed with the Bible for its apparent failure in adressing my questions about so central a subject. Now, the following may not seem like much of a revelation to you but it was hugely liberating to me. I'll explain more about that lastly.

The point is that love cannot be captured entirely in words, much like a personality cannot, and thus it can merely be described.

This revelation unified two clichés that seemed before to be contradicting, that love is a choice and that love is a passion (yet another area in which logos and libido are at war). This unification was not as much logically as it was emotionally (/spiritually?) within me.
In any case I felt liberated as my feelings and thoughts had now been formulated into an understandable sentence: I was justified and free to say, "I love you, " knowing what it was meant to convey! [smile]

Campsite - remixing "Lines Intact"

I'm sitting in a studio in Holland with Campsite and they're remixing their song, "Lines Intact" from their new album "names, dates & places." Objectively speaking, I can really recommend this, their debut album, which'll be released in Denmark in a couple of months. [grin]

Okay, I'm taking off now though. This is boring me.. But do say the word if ya'll want my hypothesis on What Love Is. hah

V8 turbo - touring version

I got a call from a guy I know in Copenhagen who plays in a band (campsite). They're playing a load of concerts in Germany, Holland and here in Denmark in these coming times but only one of the bandmembers has a driver's license. So I was asked if I wanted to be the driver which I naturally accepted. So I'm leaving now and will be back the 18th Sep., hopefully with alot of good experiences behind me! [smile]

Very informative, aren't I? In other news, I've applied to about 20 kindergartens and a hotel and none of them want me.
On the musical front let's just say that someone's dangling a carrot in front of me and that I'll be running after it. [secretive snigger]

Contentment/happiness

I have never valued friends as much as I do now - when I have none. The only one I actually do have is leaving in a week, so I'm getting used to the idea of not having anyone.

A year ago I had so many people calling me that I didn't want anymore friends and hadn't the energy to talk to anyone, but now I have no-one to call on a day where I have nothing on my schedule. The only thing to do is to get a job, make money and specialize.

In these times of overflowing welfare one has to specialize to become anything (or so one is led to believe). All the pompous artists and other communication medias proclaim their adventures of the high life casting shadows on the 'normal' ways of life: a solid family, a regular house, a decent car and a hobby to compensate for whatever the day-job lacks. But it is excactly because the high-livers, the spenders, live out the lifestyle that is a necessity for their success, a loud one, that we are never directly told of the joys of simple living (as all the ones living simply aren't loud about it.) Now, in the light of all this: what is happiness?

I think the (humanistic) answer is 'home.' Yes, being at home in the company of a friend (if you're lucky it's a circle of friends), raising your children healthily and loving your spouse. This is the peak of civilisation, what our forefathers fought for in WWI and II (no, I won't turn this on the war on the Middle East).

[I'm not ready to propose a spiritual answer, no]

Installing GPS

Quiet is a very fragile thing as you can't protect it without first destroying it. Like when you're sleeping, you're woken up by someone (insensitive) and you just can't escape back into blissful sleep until you've been furious, yelled at The Insensitive One and once again calmed yourself down. I guess you can only protect your quiet by taking preventive measures. I'm saying this because, having returned to Denmark I find myself increasingly caught up in a jumble of activities again and losing one of the things I didn't really realise I had in France: quiet. I've never realised how important it is to take time to stay home, turn off the music (and the cell-phone) and just let yourself calm down. I've never before realised what it means to 'lose yourself' and the refreshing experience of 'letting yourself catch up.' (There's a great phrase for it in Danish)

This ties in with the tentative issue of identity, how I've never felt sure of myself which reflected in how I conversed with people. I know I've been a good entertainer but when it came to making a point that's even mildly controversial, I found myself blocking up, avoiding eye-contact and agreeing all to readily with which ever point anyone else was making. Now, having 'come in contact with myself', (this is beginning to sound more and more like 'TV-shoppen') I am more assured of what I am, what I think and what I believe. Fantastic, that! ;)

But yes, I'm back in Denmark and am glad to be so. My plans now are to get a job until February when I'll start in the army for four months after which I'll have time to complete a bachelor's degree in something before applying for the Police Academy. [smile] Sounds very tidy, doesn't it?`

Marauder

I went 'power shopping' today simply because I was bored. Anyway, bought a really nice navy sweater and a DVD plus a CD for the Arab who's been carting me around. He's also proposed to drive me to the airport tomorrow which is a huuuge relief as I had no way of getting there as things were. Well there is a shuttle bus from the main train station, but to get to that I'd be taking one bus and the metro in a disjointed connect-way before the sun rose with 5 big pieces of luggage.

Wait, I haven't written it yet, have I? *laughs* Uhh, yesterday I bought a plane ticket home. Yeah, my parents had already bought one for me for the 23rd August but I didn't wanna wait that long. (No, can't refund my parents' ticket but I'll pay them back.) There are of course several reasons for this rather radical course of action: I feel like I'm wasting my time here now that the learning of the language has been obstructed, I'm working for around kr. 35/hour in the restaurant and I miss ppl back home (which is unusual for me!). The plane ticket (checking in tomorrow at 7am arriving in Billund, Dk, 1140 with a stop-over in Paris) cost 150 euros.

More to write? Yeah, sorry for the mood of this post but I'm reeeally tired cos I got up early (11am) this morning to start packing.

Anyway, I'll be going to Skywalk tomorrow evening and be starting on the soccer team again Wednesday! ahhah Actually it feels really good to have taken matters into my own hands. Taking responsibility, I call it. And no, I don't feel like I've 'quit' or backed down/given up etc. but this is no life to live down here. The Danes I went out with last night actually backed me up saying, "It's ruined, young men who emerge after having lived with Jose for too long!" coupled with many stories of others who've lived there.

Neway, I'm off to pack again! ;)

PS. Suzuki Marauder 850cc - niiiice...

Ivan Nielsen's invitation

why does this keep appearing (some invitation of a kind)?! kind of annoying that I am apparantly inviting everyone in the world to join sms.ac on my account! Ignore it! Boykot them!

neways, yesterday was a good day. I called home to Dk for 2 hours and some more and went to work where I worked like I've never worked before. Also, two Danes came to the restaurant, one of them, Anni, a girl that's worked here a couple of years ago. Her reputation is crazy, "She worked for four ppl at once," "the only girl to be offered a contract straigt off.." She said that the story seems to grow every year! Haha.. Anyway, I'm going out with her and her boyfriend *forgot name...* tonight after work.

I'm trying to change my "non-refundable/no chgs" airticket so I can go home sooner. Hah, fat chance it'll work!

What's this with Canada trying to steal Hans Island off us?! Don't they have enuff vast untouched territory in Alaska already?? Where will us 5 mill Danes go when all the ice has melted due to global warming and our flat, flat country's under water besides Hans Island and the Faroe Islands?

Please, Air France, Pleeeeease can I change my ticket! I'll only be travelling one-way anyway, so you get a free seat that I've paid for and you can charge someone else for that seat too!

Melodramatic depression

"Sun is shining - the weather is bright.." are the lyrics currently running through my head; lyrics that describe a situation that stands in stark contrast to my current state of mind. Fact is, if I could change my ticket home to tomorrow, I would. Without hesitation!

It's not so much that things here aren't bright and gay (well, they are gay, but that's a whole different story) but rather that the knowledge that I'm going home soon is corrupting my work attitude and my attitude towards this... this place! All I can see is the beauty of the Danish flag and culture. Heaven IS a place on earth, ppl, believe me! haha

I'll leave out all the problems at work (social, school-yard, unavoidable problems).

At home my brother's been accepted into the medical faculty in Aarhus, I've been drafted for the army (which I have applied for - good thing), my apartment in Randers has practically been rented out to an elderly couple and my dad's got a new job! Ergo, everything is sunny in rainy Denmark and everything is drab in sunny Marseille. Haha.. No, I'm a bit too melodramatic, sorry. Take what I've written and divide it in half and you have the situation.

Dogged Friendships

I've been thinking an awful lot about friendships in the last year, ever since I realised that I wasn't very good at it. What is a friendship and what purpose does it actually serve? I have gained good friends up till now, but I needed a formulated explanation to this riddle. I think the simple explanation came to me the other day, as I was drying glasses in the restaurant and thinking of home, that it is with friendships as with homes: its the familiarity. In your home you are comfortably able to be yourself without censorship of your manners as when you are a guest in someone else's home. This is what makes homes so safe! With good friends you are also comfortably able to be yourself without censorship of your manners as when you are with strangers. This is what makes friends so safe! Good friends, I believe, will also help you grow as a person in the form of inspiration and love. -okay, this is beginning to sound more and more obtuse.

Point is that its been a long while since I've felt at home/with friends and I value it all the more following the saying, that 'you don't know what you've got till its gone.' I've started missing the strangest people, people that I didn't even have much to do with before I left!

I went to church last Sunday, but it was holiday and there were around 30 people. As you might remember, I found this church by talking to an outreach team that was having a worship meeting on the street across from my restaurant. I talked to one of them, Bruce, and he gave me the address. Calling him Saturday evening he told me he was leaving for the States so he wouldn't be coming to church the next day and that I should talk to Jean-Paul there. I showed up Sunday morning and was meekly welcomed by one or two smiles and I sat down near the back. The meeting, all in French, was what one knows from evangelistic churches. The youth were yawning, the speaker earnest and the worship manned by 14 year-olds compelled by their mothers. Anyway, after the meeting I wound up talking to a law student who teaches all the American evangelists, who come long-term, French. He was no great socialiser and had no time to take on the responsibility of hosting me, so after talking for a bit the conversation was politely ended:
law student (LS) "So, what will you be doing now? -going home?"
me "well, I was supposed to speak to Jean Paul but I can't see him anywhere.."
LS "No, he's a very busy man. Well, I have things to do. I know of an English church where you might fit in better if you give me your e-mail address I will try and get you in touch with them."
me (slightly surprised at being brushed off and redirected) "Oh, uhh.. yeah, sure!"
LS "Okay, well bye bye."

Hmm.. Bruce had pushed up my hopes the day before by saying that Jean-Paul, a half vietnamese, would most probably invite me for lunch (and offer me hospitable familiarity) so I was quite disappointed. Ah well, I'll try to get in touch with the English church and hopefully find someone whom I can actually communicate with. I'm getting frustrated with broken English or French. I want to speak normally, dangit! You really don't know what you've got till it's gone! But what I do know more and more is how hesitant and over-sensitively reactive I've become about churches. It doesn't take much to tick me off and any carelesness with rituals or cliches instantly get under my skin. Fascinating! ;)

I've started fantasizing about home already and as a result started pondering where to get a job. I'm starting in the army from February but until then I have nothing. I've lent a hand to the YWAM base in Moerke with felling fallen trees (from the storm), and as I understand it, there are many places with fallen trees left. I could work as a forester! Anybody with contacts? I think I need some hard work that'll keep me moving and where I can also see results with my work!

The dog's lying beside me and is beginning to take more to me than Jose. (I have a way with animals.. ;) A week ago I noticed what seemed to be a tick on its neck and I told Jose about it. Dunno what he's done about it but now the dog's scratced itself raw in the neck so I suppose Jose didn't really do much about it. The hole in the skin's about half the size of my palm of my hand and looks quite brutal. The dog's growing on my but I'll be glad to leave him behind!

I've gotten a bike! -a truly French bike: none of the screws are tightened properly, the chain has never seen oil and the wheels have only just enough air in them to keep the rims off the pavement. Nobody has a pump and nobody has tools. sigh I'm heading past the local car repair shop to see what I can borrow. The only priority with the bike is the chain which'd tie up an elephant and a lock that's the perfect weight for throwing.

My French is progressing though as I've started throwing around the most basic phrases without hesitation and have stopped translating everything and started thinking in French. Its quite exciting and its the only thing that makes me wish I could stay until January..

Oh well! Despite all this I am okay and my only problems have to do with longing for Denmark. So I am quite well! heh

The Firing - Complete Melodramatic Rendering of That Which Has Passed

I've gotten hold of a bike! No, wait, other news first..

I'm going (and staying) home the 23rd of August! Yeah, shock.. Thing is, 2 nights ago José told me that the owner of the restaurant had decided that the restaurant would be closed for renovation from September and 3-4 months forth. My older sister's getting married the 26th of August which I've already gotten the ticket for and so José told me that there'd be no point in coming back as there'd be no work for me. So just when I thought I'd have to build character by sticking it out here I was salvaged by Circumstance. Well, my feelings are ambivalent but I'll keep the good ones in mind.

The bike: Mustafa, the dish-washer at the restaurant whom I will always remember for aggressively looking me in the eyes while asking: "Tu aime respect?" ["You love respect?"], apparently has one that he doesn't put to much use. He says he'll lend it to me tomorrow but, with the same intensity as before, turned friskly from smile to aggression: "Mais, achtung!" ["But, achtung!"] I didn't know whether to laugh or whimper. In any case I succeeded in convincing him that I'd take good care of it.

I think I'll go busking tomorrow. I need to get hold of something to sit on, a small chair of sorts. I'll figure something out. Tips for today was a whopping 11 euros and I've rounded page 1000 in Vikram Seth's magical universe.

Another pastime of mine is poetry. I've realised I'm not passionate enough about this or else I just need to get into some more poetry.. Its for my song-writing. Melodies and chords come easy to me but lyrics are a whole other game. I don't wanna end up writing melancholic "she left me please come back can't live without you"-songs, but songs which will have a social and cultural impact. It shouldn't be so hard, should it? hah

Vinoth Ramachandra has written a book. Yeah, several, but he gave me this one book before he left: "Gods that Fail." Fantastic to read his view on Marx, Freud and Hegel, creation/evolution and his commentary on Job amongst other topics. Much of it was written seperately to students in Asia but he later collected it for a book: excactly what I've been looking for! But if you decide to pick it up you'd do well to keep a dictionary with you and take notes etc., cos it ain't easy reading! I'm beginning to like Indian writers: they're well-educated and as a result they have a huge vocabulary, they are prone to better human understanding and they don't seem to be entrenched in a certain view from birth / open-minded.

On the Danish front, we've decided to let Poul fix up the apartment ('let'? hmm) and then we'll rent it out. I should be home to lend a hand which I'm excited about doing. I'm equally excited about lending my dad a hand with his house which is something I, at large, failed to do while I was still at home. I was just too busy all the time and never set off days to do it. Should've..

Found a beautiful music store selling only classical music, jazz and world music. Who could've imagined better?! I tried buying a CD but to my dismay my VISA card didn't was rejected. I'll have to get in touch with my bank about it.

Okay, taking off! I've turned to writing some wierd stuff on here! Sorry, folks. ;)

Vikram Seth wannabe, me

(Note written the day after: This post is long, tiring and not really worth reading. Brace yourself with patience in the face of resounding trivialities if you set out on this long journey. Now you are warned. I might also add that the discussion in "Comments" to the post "My Faith" is growing increasingly engaging. Do you have anything to add?)

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Sorry for neglecting you, blog, and you who might be following too of course. I realise that its not a good way to hold an audience but I have actually been doing stuff! Yeah, so its a good thing..

There's a new/old guy at the restaurant, Sascha, (spelling?) a Croatian who lives and studies here with his Japanese wife, Megumi (name which I remember 'cos its coincidentally the name of my half-Japanese cousin in Singapore..) He's a good bloke, very intense when he speaks of anything and he is like clockwork in explaining to me everyday how, "this place is f*cked up." [laughs] Nevertheless we get on quite well and have been talking about everything from international economy and politics and religion to religious multinational coorporations in the chocolate industry including their historical role in the abolition of slavery - in English! ;) I wouldn't get nearly as far in French (although I can feel/see/hear/sense some progress.) Actually, being in this position of a learner of such a basic necessity as the local language is quite eye-opening.

[red. This is a very superfluous paragraph. Don't read it!] I learned in my first year of 'highschool' in Denmark that I was actually quite intolerantly selfish, globally speaking. It happened as my history teacher was lecturing on globalization, painting the picture of material wealth being gradually distributed more evenly, whereto she pointed out that it didn't just mean the 3rd world countries improving their standards of living, but also the western countries having to decrease our standard of living, which probably meant that Denmark couldn't go on being the island of welfare that it was, she went on to explain. My immediate reaction was one of honest shock! "Did this mean that within my lifetime... my kids might not get the same benefits and securities that I have been taking for granted?!" My secondary reaction was also shock, but this time it was shock at my first reaction of shock. Was I really that selfish that I honestly resented the thought of evening out the goods? I have strained to change which has also helped mainly under the heavy, although short, influence of Vinoth Ramachandran (Indian professor who doesn't waste money on new clothes but wears 2nd hand to save money and increase possibilities of influence. Has a Danish wife which obligates them to be here once in a while.)

Where was I? Oh, it was the word 'intolerance' that brought on the previous paragraph! I should have started on about my previous intolerance with others who I have come across who have been in my current position: learner of the basics. So the whole intolerance thing is about how I realise that I've looked down on such people because of their inability to show signs of meaningful intellect. Now the tables have turned and I am speaking like a child - a 4-5 year old - and how are people then to respect me as a thinking person! -Which they don't but I don't blame them. What I'm saying is that I'm a nuisance to be or have around and that's just the way it is. "Inevitability." I'm not depressed about it though. :)

In fact I'm quite happy these days! I've got my future planned (the next 7½ years in terms of education), and I am progressing on a personal level: 'enlightenment/scepticism/responsibility', musically (have just started meditating on Arabic scales, sounds and rhythms) and… well, other areas! ;)

In other news I'm looking forward to my first paycheck at the end of the month! I'm in a dilemma though: tax to Dk. I don't know much about the tax system (and amazingly enough, the government hasn't produced one, gathered, extensive yet logically arranged, self-education media like a book or even a CD-ROM or interactive webpage, to help along us young people who learn by gathering tid-bits of info here and there. I mean, why don't we learn about it in the school which is purposed to equip us with a basic but extensive education focused around our country and our system!) and I am wondering whether I should save 48% to pay to the guv sometime next year?

Now we're at my money affairs I may have picked up another job in the mornings. It's gardening with Sascha for his Jewish landlord. I don't know much about it 'cept its in the daytime, where I'm certainly not doing anything and it would be good for me to get out more before my nights and days are completely reversed!

I'm long-winded, I know, but I have 2 very good reasons. 1) I'm (still) reading "A Suitable Boy" by Vikram Seth which is a whopping 1474 pages! I'm a good 3rd way through and when you consider that its merely about a 19 year old girl, Lata, who's caught between an arranged marriage and a more modern way of going about things interspersed with a lighter version of the tales of 4 other family trees, only sometimes connecting, you might get an idea of how long-winded it actually is. You have to remind yourself that you're not reading it to finish it, but actually to read it! 2) I'm writing this on José, my hosts, computer at home. Turns out he has one in his room that he'll let me use which'll undoubtedly save me money at the internet café. Found another trick to save money as well:

Sascha, having quite a number of international friends himself, gave me a number which'll enable me to call any country at local Marseilleise rates! Crazy but true! I don't know who's providing a service like this but I know it works. So mom'n'dad I'll be calling home now! ;) Yay

Uhh… is that actually it? This must be the longest post I've ever written!

No, haha, church! 3 nights ago, across the street from the restaurant, I noticed a modest crowd gathered around some commotion and I lingered at the entrance in curiousity. I then saw that it was amateur dancing going on and I chuckled inwardly as I soon enough recognised the all too familiar tactics of a regular evangelistic street performance:
eye-catcher/ice breaker >
short but sweet introduction >
another item (dance/drama) >
testimony of how Jesus has changed a life (maximum of 3 minutes, preferably with reference to the previous dance/drama) >
main drama that should convey the gospel >
preaching of the gospel with heavy reference to the previous drama >
CD or other music to keep people hanging around while the evangelists (who have been observing individuals in the crowd) approach people to pose the question in a one-on-one setting.
Some people get scared or appaled when they learn that there have been developed techniques to such personal matters, but on the other hand it would be intent and sheer stupidity if techniques were not implemented to optimize results.
Anyway, point is that I, 2 years ago, was with one such team in Budapest where my role in the programme was the "CD or other music to keep people hangning around" where I played with band. So they'd set up a band workshop where we could work on the songs in an intense atmosphere with other, more seasoned, musicians there to assist us and produce the good sound. One of these "more seasoned musicians" was Bruno, an educated nurse who lived in Marseille. We hit it off quite well, no doubt because of his patience with my obsession with the French language, but it ended in him giving me an open invitation to come experience the country itself. Now I have come but without being able to contact him so we could meet up (and I could get some friends!) So I approached the group guessing that they would have some connection to him and sure enough, there was a Danish guy among them, Anders from AMC (name of church) in Aalborg, who excitedly told me that he knew Bruno. So I passed him a note with my name and email addy, and asked if he could give it to Bruno together with a greeting from me. Of course he could and further volunteered information about Bruno going to Malaga this week where alot of my friends and acquaintances from home are going. I put on a wide-eyed expression and excused myself as I had to get back to work.
Then 2 nights ago I looked and there again was another christian, evangelisation tactic unfolding: worship in the heart of the city (for spiritual effect and proclamatory impact on everyone involved.) This time it was easy to see, that it wasn't the same organisation as the night before but probably a local church or even coalition of churches (if they were big enough to see past their detrimental differences.) I approached and my intricate knowledge of these things was confirmed: a coalition. I talked to Bruce, presumably American, who lives here in Marseille and is a regular in a church that's only 15 minutes from my apartment. Not bad! I intended to attend the morning service yesterday but overslept classically. I will go next week to check it out (for wisdom.)

Okay, this is actually it! ;) Amazed with those who've held on for this long!

contract

This'll be quick 'cos I have work in 15 mins..

Good song line:
"There's a flag wrapped around a score of men."

A girl from my school, Lise Fischer (that's the girl, not the school), is coming to visit me tomorrow! She's holidaying with some family here in southern france and sms'ed me if she could come visit. At the same time, I found out that my weekly day off is Thursday.. haha, no I'm not into clear comunication and organisation.

The restaurant's breaking up. More and more people are having it out with the manager and it's all cos of lack of communication. See, when the manager has a problem with somebody's attitude he waits until its gotten the better of him and the starts yelling incomprehensible phrases with the same words seeming spread randomly throughout: planning, respect, 'not a bordel', discipline, fun'n'games. I wish I could say something (seeing as how I live with the guy, it might give me the opportunity to be diplomatic) but there's this wall of china/communication barrier. The other day he started yelling at me too, cos I was washing the glasses before the evening was over (the kitchen was full of glasses) because the washer's set out. I told him (not yelled, no) that I had too, wherefore the others had to help out with the desserts - my duties had been increased and the others do have spare time. He didn't stop to listen (typical French way of discussing) and started yelling at everyone else. Everyone's getting fed up and it's not good. My dad just bought me a plane ticket home for my sister's wedding in August, and I'm tempted to just stay home! No contract remember..

Okay, taking off! :)

lover->porsche = employee->bicycle

2 of the best waiters left during a row with the manager and the head-waiter. Well, that they were '2 of the best' is, of course, no absolute but they were 2 of the 3 that were most welcoming to me when I started a week ago! It was quite wild actually, seeing how everyone's voices just gradually raised until they were screaming at each others and the two picked up their stuff and walked off. My next thought was: "how're we gonna make it through the evening?!' Somehow it worked out. That was 3 nights ago. Last night, we had a new girl start and the boss wasn't entirely pleased with her effort. Last night was also the first night that I was left to myself in the bar at the back to refill water, prepare alot of the meals, mix drinks, make desserts and wash glasses (the washer's broken.. sigh) and it worked out. I think it was largely due to the psychological effect of not being the newbie anymore. Made me think more independently and effectively... sigh, my life is a farce! haha I'm too shallow sometimes, but the worst part is my awareness of it.

Found the beach yesterday. Small, but nice! It's 20 minutes walk away.. I'm walking too much! I've walked 45 minutes to get to this café! I'm gonna try and make the owner of the restaurant buy me a bike.. It shouldn't be too hard! He just bought his lover a Porsche! -and since I'm only an employee, that should be in ratio with lover->porsche equals employee->bike, right?

I've stopped smelling the dog.. horror of all horrors, yes.

Thanks Anne, for reading and commenting. You others should do the same (mainly my parents and siblings! ;)

I think I just might stop writing the nonsense about my job, cos I don't think anyone's really into it.

My Faith

[this post is not travel-related.. well, not travel in the geographical sense!]

I think I've made up my mind. As some of you know, my 'highschool' time flung me into a search-for-truth-from-an-objective-point-of-view period and although I'll admit, that my search hasn't been extensive (lasting, what, ½ year when there are those who spend their entire lives!) I think I've got the basic drift that the modern lifestyle, in what has been a toss-up between Christianity and modernity or whatever you wanna call it, only has relativism and a shallow perception, that there is no truth and if there is then its definetly without consequence for how I should live my life. The moral that comes from some vague pantheistic idea of the supernatural seems to me hypocritical and unfounded, assuming that the individual, on the basis of a sense of responsibility for all of humanity, should in all things do what is best for the world, when the best for the world, would be that I sold all I had, gave it to the poor and became a christian missionary. Hmm.. haha, I think I'm biased, but what the heck?!

Now, I'd like a discussion about this if anyone is up to it! ...please? ;)

Lost Da Vinci dog frustrating Sofie and Anja w/out money or contract

Goodness, time moves slow here!

Lost

Sofie og Anja

Money / contract

Dog hair

Da Vinci code

Comunication barrier frustration / pad and pencil

There - those are the things I'm planning on writing about today. If I don't write 'em down now, I'll forget 'em and this post will be as void of information as the last, and we don't want that happening now do we?! :)

Now, where was I? Oh, "Goodness, time moves slow here!" I feel like I've been here 3 weeks already when in reality it's only been.. been.. uhh.. How long's it been? 3 days?! sigh I miss the familiarity of home. I miss a familiar, daily routine where I know what to expect of people - where I actually have friends! -or just know my way around town! Take last nite for example:

We close up the restaurant around 1 am after having outwaited the last customers, drunk the wine in the bottles that are left and cleaned the place. Normally (if there is such a thing yet) I'd take a cab home with Jose and the napkins to be washed, but tonight the two waitresses ask if I'd like to go have a bite to eat and a drink with them. 'Course I say yes and we head off. Around 2.30 am the bar closes (there was nothing else on a week night) and I start walking home. One of the waitresses, Corali, lives in my direction so we walk off together. No, don't worry mom, the waitresses are 30 and 25! ;) Now, Marseille is apparently known in France as a dangerous city - especially at night - so I'm quite aware of my surroundings when walking 'cept I dont know my way around. My landmark is a big old church that's on the definitive hill-top of all hill-tops!. If you check out this pic and notice the outermost black iron gate in the bottom left hand corner, that's where I climbed the gate after scaling the 50m high sheer rock face that you can't see on the pic but that's in front of the gate.. in my black slippers and new white shirt that I use for waitering. Thing is, I knew my block was north of the church, but I'd apparently come around the south side and seeing how the roads going arooound the church were pretty freaking long, I decided to go over the mountain. I get to the top thinking more and more about snakes as I had to go through loads and loads of bushes to get around the locked, video surveyed church lot that was only open to 8 pm in the summer, 7.30pm in winter. Point is, that I got home sometime around 3.15-3.30am and had to walk Jose's dog. sigh c'est la vie, non?! Now, pity me and send me gold and myrrha! hehe No, I must admit that I thought it was fun and the walk/climb/trek was worth the joy of seeing Rue Jules Moulet where I live!

So that was all about being lost. The other alienating factor is the lack of friends that I can communicate with. Jose keeps scolding the others when the start speaking English to me at the restaurant, but I just wrote with 2 girls from my gymnasie class, Sofie and Anja, who've arrived to work in Toulon, 52 km's away by the freeway. They'll be here all summer, and I can't wait to meet up with them to speak a language I can actually express myself in! I've bought a really chic pad at the local newspaper story for 1.50 euros and it's beautiful! :) Fits in my pocket, perfect line spacing, casually serious front, perforated paper to allow easy ripping, even perfect thickness! Makes me sick to think that I've made do this long without one of those! Neways, I took down 5 solid pages of unkown words during the first day. haha, overwhelming, yeah.

About the money and contract heading it's just that I'm worried. We divide up the tips at the end of each day but that's all I've seen to do with formalities so far. I asked Jose if there was a contract I had to sign, he nodded and went on doing other stuff. I don't know.

Next header.. what was it? Oh yeah, dog hair! The dog in the apartment's a mess! Its my first time living with a dog, and my previous statements about NEVER GETTING A DOG have only been confirmed: I'M NEVER GETTING A DOG! You get home like last nite and you feel like your limbs are about to implode or explode or woteva, and you've got this beast of the wild jumping up and down you, like a child caught in a beasts body. Its uncivilised through and through and you have its filthy hair and its filthy smell riddling every inch of your body, clothes, bed, hair wax/gel, stacks of paper, wallet, socks, shoes - even your CD's are infiltrated! Garh! So I escape into a fictitious world where you don't have a dog, you never go to the toilet and you're immortal: the Da Vinci Code.

I finished it within 18 hours of starting it and walked the dog twice and had one 8 hour shift. T'was true and unmasked escapism! heh Beautiful! Now the book had a fantastic plot, but the translation (to Danish - it was all there was) was lame, outdated and riddled with spelling and marking errors. That just ticks me off, but hey. As for the conceited attack on religion, if Dan Brown had ever intended for it to be factual, which I seriously doubt were it not for the humanistic altar-call that is the moral point, then I don't give. Its pretentious and full of holes. But but but, let's not get caught up in that discussion and just let a story be a story: its beautiful fiction!

Was that really it?! Oh well, any questions? If I'm missing someone? Yeah, Filip and Michelle. Dang, when we pulled away from them in the parking lot in Dk I fiercely fighting back tears that they thoroughly deserve. I can't imagine the last 3 years without those two and now the era of their sweetening my everyday with casual, familiar love is over and I only hope that I can create something just half as beautiful in the years to come. I think I just may be happy then! So if you're reading this, Flip and Chelle, thanks again. I've said it before, and at the risk of being waaay to sentimental, I've just said it again.

But does this mean that other people haven't been important to me? Absolutely not! I know its foolish to start listing your friends in priority publicly, but it's done. ML, I'm writing you now! :) No, wait I don't have your email address!!! Dit moi!

Working apres la premiere jour

Yeah, so I had my first day at the restaurant yesterday and it was loads of fun! The other waiters and waitresses (only 4) are great and they know how to have a good time while working. As well they were very welcoming and insisting on speaking French to (not really 'with') me which of course is a necessary evil in order to learn the dangin language. It sounds cool but the problem with it is, that the pronounciation is nowhere near the spelling, and I'm quite dependent on visualizing the word, when it's said in order to understand it, so.. Its only a minor hiccup though - no biggie. Oh yeah, tips from the first night: 10 euros 75 cents.

Saturday night was crazy though as it was the last night with my parents. In the morning we'd checked in at the place I'm staying which is with one of the two managers of the Restaurant: Jose. Anyway, he invited us as a family to come eat at the restaurant which we of course did. After a hearty hearty dinner (the bill came up to around 100 euros!) my parents had to take off to their highway hotel real fast. So we went to the car, said our goodbye's whereafter they got in, and took off. Now that must have been my single most lonely moment in my life. I was standing with the clothes on my back in a city of which I didn't speak the language, and was going 'home' to a man, with whom I couldn't communicate. Let me tell you that all of my previous naive optimism left me in that moment. I trotted off to the apartment, got into the foreign bed with the strange dog still trying to hump my leg when I got in the door and dozed off to sleep. Man...

Okay, it's a bit melodramatic, but I really did feel like I was utterly alone! I had the thought walking home sat nite that now I was really on my own now. Exciting having to be alone and your life is a job which you can not fail cos you live with the boss! I think I need this lesson in responsibility. My dad kept repeating a mantra at me in the last 48 hours:

"Be responsible,
Think ahead,
Innovate."

-and I think I will!

Oh well, I gotta take off. Gotta be at work in half an hour and there's a guy I wanna find on the net here. His name's Bruno and I know him from a summer camp a year ago in Budapest. He lives here in Marseille and invited me to come visit him.. Think I will, if I can find him!

Oh yeah, if anyone wants to send me stuff my address is:

c/o Ferrer
102 Rue Jules Moulet
13006 Marseille

In Antibes - Southern France

I'm here / en France.

I've just written long emails, so my writing wont be inspired. Just to get the trivial details out of the way: it's averaging 30+ degrees here and it's humid so I'm spending alot of time reading Hærværk at the ground floor pool. At night I go sk*nny dipping at the pool on the top of my hotel - haha.. never done that before, but it's hysterical fun. Oh yeah, trivial stuff, Ivan: we've been to visit both Saint Tropez, Port Grimaud, Nice and Monaco. All lots of fun, but not hysterical. I'm having a good time applauding myself at my success with NOT appearing to be a tourist.

My life is in many ways parallel to that of Ole Jastrau, the main character in that book, Hærværk, and then in many ways not. The search for the innermost of my one's own being and eternity is in any case parallel. Read it and share my joy!

Ach, this cafe's quite probably the most expensive one I've ever set foot in, so I must end if I wanna get that beer after this! But get your own blog, and share it with me! smile do it now at blogger.com, kay?

Shame vs Love

I think it was the shame. The shame was the hardest to handle. The christian walk had come down to my continual striving to become a better person, which - of course - was doomed to fail. I think of such scriptures as: "Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit." I have no idea what context it was in, but I'm sure any pastor ('cept Grosbøll) would tell me that it applied to this quest for human perfection: "The Great Paradox - Episode 1-11 (on sale as vhs and dvd)," so I'll accept that thought for now.

Another scripture: [the one about how 'my yoke is light.'] Why have I never had this promise realised in my life?

I'm a scatterbrain right now, but the conclusion that I can't get to is this: in the past, I have been motivated by shame to become a 'better' person. As well as schizophrenia this lifestyle was headed for failure. What then do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Here's where I want to go: I want to love God, others and myself, and as a consequence of this, I will become what is commonly known as a 'better person.' However, shame and self-loathing will not be my fuel and vain glory and self-exultation will not be my goal. Love will be my fuel and goal - my one and all!

The Great Mystery - take1

Now, here's the jist of my existential crisis:

Having grown up in a Christian home/environment I'm predisposed to favouring the Christian philosophy, however, may I quickly object, this does not rule out my sane judgement (which enables me to possess the wisdom that everyone else should adopt, you see... ;) with which I have deemed Christianity, according to the canonised Bible of 300-some A.D. and faith-wise independent of modern churchy trends, to be a very, very healthy way of life on all planes of life: physically (bite me), mentally, spiritually, politically, economically, environmentally and so on and so forth. But! Is it true? (Don't talk to me about evolution as being vs. creation thereby nullifying anything and everything you won't tolerate.)

On the matter of truth, a Beautifully Satisfying Absolute, things start to haze up. Here many object only to lecture on relativism post-fall-of-the-absolutes but however appealing this no-strings, no-commitments, I'm-the-boss-of-me -escape may sound, it is often grounded in just that: escapism.

But then what? Post-modern relativism certainly does not ring true but that's excactly the beauty of it, isn't it?! It's not supposed to be true? But then consider the detrimental effects relativism would have on society, were it not for the underlying values of shame and guilt as dictated in the Bible: amorality encompassing enough to bring about the fall of the Western Empire (giving way to China or India, perhaps? Maybe Africa or South America may even take advantage of that!)

So, Christianity or no-truth-ergo-I'm-my-own(-escapist)?

I want to choose Christianity (/life.) I really do, but I find it hypocritical in a way to just believe! I don't want to 'just believe!' I want to know, I want to be able to hold my chin high in regards to my way of life, my belief, my faith.. Argh, all these 'wobbly' words - never firm enough to get a hold on!

I think the bottomline is that I don't feel like I can be satisfied just switching off my intellect and 'believing,' but is the alternative just to keep searching for an answer I'll never find and then hope hope hope that something nice will happen to some immortal conscience of mine when my body ceases to function? [sigh]

Which is the less miserable Way?

Life, Truth and Mystery - does it ever stop?!

So the aim of life is to get over yourself and help someone else? What if it was the search for truth? Then can you be satisfied with following your heart instead of your mind? 'Cos how trustworthy is this heart anyway? I've grown up inside church walls but a search for The Truth (the one and only, yes) drove me out (although not entirely away from a belief in God). But really, can this great mystery never be solved? -I really need to know!

La Journée en France

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she asked me if I did much writing, writing all sorts of things from loose thoughts to.. what's the other extreme?! Whatever it is I don't think I do it. Point is that we started talking about blogging and as a result she has made a blog of her own! Yay! It did take some persuading but it worked - however, now I feel bad about neglecting this site here. I've probably lost you two readers I had but I hope to start this up again.

I'm going to France for half a year. I got a job in a restaurant (or I might become the chauffeur - to be decided upon arrival) in Marseille 'dans la vieux pont.' (red. "on the old harbour.") I'm expecting to learn French fluently which I've already studied for 2 years in high school and with which I'm completely taken! [smile]

Goodness me, I have an oral Danish exam tomorrow that I'm completely unprepared for! Shame, 'cos I've plenty to write about, but I'll save it for another time - and yes, that'll be soon..

Thought of the month: why does an otherwise healthy christian upbringing so often result in a narrow-minded, perspective-lacking inability to relate to 'the (dangerous) world'? Why do we as a church accept that our function in the society has been marginalised so - why are we petrified to take part in the society around us. Why are we being taught at church that "there are certain cafés that are riddled, so don't set foot in that place lest your bodily functions are completely taken over by the Devil!" [slightly exaggerated, yes.. I am frustrated but I do know it] What is this defensive mentality as if the Kingdom has to remember to lock the Pearly Gates at night 'cos otherwise the Almighty King will let His city be overrun just to teach the inhabitants a lesson. And why is the brain banned inside the main meeting hall? Aaaand why are we so afraid to give an objective overview of church history? Is it really so necessary to gloss everything remotely to do with christianity-cos-I-once-heard-that-he-was-christian-no-not-just-like-pop-christian-but-really-born-again-and-stuff-so-he's-a-hero-and-we-owe-it-to-him-to-buy-his-record? And why has no-one told the students who are being intellectually battered everyday that we don't have to defend God like there's no tomorrow? That it is necessary to face your doubts? hmpf

basics

Back again at my once favourite pastime: blogging. This page's been a great help in the past, but the decline in the quality of my writing has also caused this decline in the quantity of my writings.

About my last post: no hetz, no felt need to just put women down but it was just a (generalising) observation! But you who've objected, you can't seriously mean that you can't see my point! -or is it just a local phenomenon in my own universe?

Neways, so much has happened that I haven't recorded here!! Mostly being personal personality stuff it would be really long to record. I think I made a half-hearted attempt (Kierkegaard and Camus), and to jump to the conclusion I must say that for me right now, its about learning to choose on my own. Basic, yes. Vital, oui oui oui! Something one should've gone through in the early teen years, aswell. ;) Nevertheless, I've started being an active participant in controlling my life instead of letting random events (not God) control. I'm choosing who and what takes my time and energy, what I want and where I'm going - a very necessary part of 'growing up.' Existential philosophy is interesting and helpful: actively choosing your existance is part of 'creating' and defining yourself.

Another thing in the focal light (can you say that?) is what God means to me and how to read the Bible. I'm going all the way back to the basics and building it all again, cos my beach house had bad foundation. Now I'm building a house with a view however, it does take some time to cast a foundation in rock.

I'm procrastinating. I'm gonna go vacuum my room... Sigh, I've got an 11½hour work-day tomorrow being a mobile-phone customer support on the streets of Århus, the 2nd largest city in Dk. Good money though!

Take care ya'll.. Becca, thanks again for the kjv! ;D

faith - in women

Yeah, I'm talking to you!! *grrr* my faith in the female species (wham) is dwindling. Why has it become so trendy amongst girls to be 'blond-ish' (no offense meant to you blondes!)?! Are any of you intelligent beings or are you simply... simple?! Right, I know that many of you are intelligent in many more ways than me but this is only because of a few of you standing up for yourself! (thanks and applause to those few - some in Denmark, one in the States. -hope you know who you are!)

I'm bad at expressing myself.

my audience, my way of life

- all gone...? Changed, in any case. I've started reading philosophy books, reading that I increasingly find describes me: Albert Camus. French philosopher who died sometime after the fifties and of course, our very own Søren Kierkegaard. I hear there are Japanese people who learn Danish just to be able to read his stuff in the original language! Now that's wacked! But as I was saying, this reading's putting words on motives, behavioral patterns even desires that I never knew I had! Neways, read "The Fall" (or is it "Fallen"?) by Camus and I guess you'll understand better.

The thing about losing my audience is really that my motives and desires are less 'performance' oriented. In Kierkegaard's philosophy, I'd be developing (but that really is a long story, and I possess neither the vocabulary nor the mental vigour to describe it at this present hour.)

My Rectification

Let me realise
Let me know
Just excactly how
You would like me to rise

For now my heart's yearn
Is too great
To hear the beat
To know your heart burns

Burn, that my heart does
For your warmth.
T'escape the mirth
Of our missing words

I know that I am not
All you wish
So d'vine is
My acceptance now

That it were not
All entirely so
I do wish, I do

a new revelation about friendships and God

my full flight from all that has to do with church is at a standstill.. -I knew it'd come to this! [sigh] Thing is, a couple of nights ago I lay down to sleep, turned out the lights creating one's heart's most vulnerable moment of the day. I could simply feel God! -quite literally and down-to-earth, really and I do admit that it's what I've been hoping for for quite a while. My response was: "Arh, okay okay okay, God! Steady on, eh?! I know you've got some appropriate verse for me, so just hit me. You've got a ten-second window of opportunity, so make it a good verse, huh!" I listened like I used to train myself to and instantly ps. 28:3-4 popped into m'head, and it's a quite good scripture! I realized, I don't wanna be like other people cos of something I've felt for a long time but I've been unable to identify and verbalize: selfishness! I don't want to have myself at the centre of my life (v.3), just calling other people "friends." No, I want to give myself to my friends and receive a part of them aswell! Those are the kinds of relationships that I want.. It was quite a revelation for me!

Another thing is that God kinda proved himself to me aswell. He really is real and He really can speak. Now, my moral is at a point where I'm able to follow wholeheartedly! I'm not demanding too much of myself as I was before which lead to the end of my churchly activities. For a while, it's just God and me although I do attend a youth group where I receive ethical teachings.. [smile] 'tis all good!

finding faith again - the journey begins

Probably the single quote that has stood out the most to me in the last couple of months has been, "feelings don't lie." Now, I know they don't tell the entire truth either and that one shouldn't follow one's feelings entirely, but there is still some truth to it. I don't excactly know how this relates to my relationship with God... -or maybe I do, and I'm just afraid to say it. "I don't feel God." There. I said it. I don't feel Him. I feel the effect that the moral standard of the Bible etc. has on me, a good one, but I don't feel Him. I dare you to ask me about what I do feel then!

I feel longing. In class today we read a poem by one of Denmark's greatest poets, Johannes V. Jensen, called "Paa [eng.: At] Memphis Station" He was an atheist and this only frustrated him. In this poem he expresses his fear of settling down, settling for some incomplete romance. Sure, the sweet girl he'd met in town the day before had turned his stomach, but she wasn't everything. His life amounted to a continual search for the Adventure, The Romance.. The Truth.

Again I pause here and think back at the book I've (almost.. okay, partly) read, The Sacred Romance. I've posted on here about it before and it blew me away at the time; the way it described life as one continuing tale of honour, valour and romance, but I haven't felt it. I'm still searching... -searching for contention, fulfilment and a lady to rescue and mean the world to.

Practically, I'm afraid this longing and this search has distracted me greatly from my schoolwork, and I've started smoking a bit, drinking a bit etc.. -although my ethical upbringing is still strong enough within me to have kept me away from girls at this stage.

I do truly feel like I've lost my childish, childhood faith entirely and now I have to find faith again entirely.

a horrible start to school

When I came to school this morning for the first day after hols the principal called a general assembly and told of one of the teachers who had been in Phuket. She had lost her husband and she herself was in the hospital now. Furthermore, Morten, a guy from my year and the volley team, had been skiing in Norway where he, New Years Eve, had fallen 8-9 metres to his death. We will be having a memorial service for him tomorrow; one he does deserve.

What to do with the ensuing frustration? After all, we are raised hearing daily of the terrible deaths of others and this, I venture, effects devaluation of our fellow people. Like Morten, after each volley practice I found myself wondering about him, reading his expressions and actions in vague eagerness to understand him, but I never thought much of this. I never thought to value him, because that is not what we do. We do not make ourselves too vulnerable by expressing our admiration of and love for others.

In any case, we, who are left behind taste the bitter, vast emptiness, many of us struck with the realization that each of the people who surround us matter to more to us that we dare admit. -dare we risk loving?

"Love - or not to be" as aforementioned, and o, does it ever ring true! Can one truly live if one does not truly love? Love is the flesh and skin on the bare skeleton, the colours in the cold sea and the taste in the food. Without it, the world and us would exist without all that there is to live for. Therefore, let us love and not hate, living for, because of and to love!"